Connor's Books

So, it's really, really happening.  We are - as of Sept. 14th - a non-profit organization.  AND...it will take 8 months to file for our tax exempt status....so on May 15, 2010 we will be filing.  How can that really happen like that??!!  That's amazing. 

So, I'm really, really happy and of course, just a little bit sad.  Today, I heard the Elton John song on the radio - You'll Be in My Heart from the Tarzan movie - it's my song for Connor.  And here comes the tears....I still miss him so much that it breaks my heart over and over again.  I know time is supposed to heal all wounds and yes, in a way it does....well, it just moves you away from the pain, dulls it a bit but there are moments that it can hurt like it did the first day.  The grief, nine years later, can still take my breath away. 

So I'm happy that we have Connor's Books and look forward to all of the wonderful things we can do with it but it wouldn't exist if he were here.  I am always reminded of that. But I guess that's the way so many good things start out - out of the darkness comes light, comes hope.  Where would breast cancer be if Susan G. Komen had lived?

So yes, I'm so happy that we are finally a non-profit but so sad that I had to lose my son for it to happen.  Once again, a bit of sad/happy....I should be used to that by now. 

This is what my seven year old daughter told me the other day.  She misses Connor and says sometimes I need a big brother.  Ugh.  I felt as though someone punched me in the stomach.  I am reminded what we have all lost.  Yes, she deserves a big brother - someone to watch over her and play with her, someone to tease her and make her crazy, someone to make her the little sister.  And sometimes I need my son.  My nine year old boy with his big brown eyes and ... I don't even know what because I don't know what he'd be like or what he'd look like.  14 hours.  That's all I had with him and most of that I wasn't with him.  I remember seeing him in that bassinett - all laid out and not swaddled like a newborn.  I remember wanting to shrink myself down and crawl into that little tiny bed and hold him, touch him...be with him. 

 

Nine years ago today my water broke.  I had no idea what was about to happen.  I thought I was finally going to meet my baby and become a mother.  I knew life would change but never, never expected for my son to die.  Not for one moment, not when the doctors and nurses warned me, not when my husband broke down and cried, never did I think Connor would not make it until the doctor looked at me and said, "He's gone". 

A friend asked me today how I was doing - I felt fine until she asked that question and realized I was not fine.  My son is gone and I will miss him forever and it hurts and it's not fair and I wonder why me? It sucks and nine years later it still sucks. 

 

I know how lucky I am to have four healthy children.  And now two boys to love and to play with it, to be a chance to be a mom to a boy.  But this hole in my heart where Connor should be can never be filled up.  It will always be there and some days, like today, it feels so big and empty and I ache for my boy.

 

This is usually where I turn it around and think about all of the good, the lessons learned, blah, blah, blah ...not today, today I just miss him...for me, for Matt and for his little sister who needs a big brother sometimes.

Who knew that way back in Kindergarten when we received a flyer about girl scouts and I asked Emma if she was interested we would end up here?!! The response from the girl scouts has been INCREDIBLE. We don't have a final number yet and hopefully this darn flu won't ruin everything but we are looking at close to 3,000 books.  Yep, 3,000 BOOKS !!!!   The response has been so wonderful.  The girls have been so excited and some are doing their very own book drives at their schools.  Outstanding!!  We had our own book drive with our troop and there I was with the girl scouts holding up signs that read Connor's Books as they chanted Connor's Books, Connor's Books.  How could I have ever imagined that? 

 

It's so very amazing that my little boy, who lived such a short amount of time is making a difference.  He is inspiring others to do great things and is bringing such joy to so many children.  As always, I just don't have the words to describe what this means to me.  As Connor's mother I was so fearful that since he lived only 14 hours that he would be forgotten, that the world would simply go on without him.  But now, because of so many wonderful people, I know that will not happen.  I know that his star really will forever shine brightly.

 

From the day we started Connor's Books, my dream has been that we would be able to become a non-profit organization.  Each year, I think about asking for money instead of books but I just can't.  I hate the idea of not having books to deliver to Scottish Rite Hospital on his birthday.  But...this year... because of the wonderfulness of the Girl Scouts we have so many books to deliver....I'd like to ask for your help. Next year will be Connor's Tenth Birthday and becoming a non-profit would be a perfect way to celebrate!  There is so much more we want to do.

 

Please consider donating money to Connor's Books to help us become a non-profit organization.  You can do this on the website through PayPal or by mailing us a check (payable to Connor's Books).  Email me at connorsbooks@hotmail.com for the address.  You can even donate in memory or in honor of a loved one - just click on Donation Stars at www.connorsbooks.org to do this. 

 

 

Thank you so much to Emma's Troop Leader, Pam who has so generously offered to help collect books for Connor's Books this year.  Last night, we were invited to speak at the Service Unit Meeting.  We can't wait to see how many books will be collected.  In fact, the leader offered a pizza party to the troop who collects the most books!!  Yeah!! 

 

We are also having Connor's Books patches made up for the girls to earn.  Looking forward to seeing those!!

 

I'm constantly amazed at people's generosity and their willingness to become involved with Connor's Books.  Again, we couldn't do this on our own.  Each time more people donate and more books are collected I can feel Connor's star shine even brighter and I know that he will not be forgotten.  A smile can emerge through the tears.  Our little one who spent only 14 hours on this earth is making a such difference in other children's lives.

 

Once again, thank you. 

Hey guys - just wanted to let you know that everything went well on our 16 week sonogram.  The boys (yes, still boys and YES, still just two!!) were wiggling around so much the dr. had a hard time trying to get all of the measurements.  He said they were already wrestling one another for space!

They checked for CDH, heart problems, brain, etc, etc - all normal!  Yeah!    No twin to twin transfusion (which is a risk for identicals).  So far so good.
I will go for sonograms once a month so it will be a great way to get to know our little guys!  Looks like their names will be Cooper and Wyatt. 

Please keep our little guys in your prayers.  Twins tend to come early so we are hoping they will stay in there as long as possible to avoid a long NICU stay.  We did tour the NICU (where Connor was but has since been completely redone - thank goodness).  When we met the nurse (who was so great - she was one of Audrey's nurses and Jenn hooked us up - thanks!!) who was going to tour us around, I was telling her about us and she said I know Connor.  I was there, I worked on him.  I had not expected that!  My eyes immediately filled with tears and felt so emotional b/c there are so very few people on this earth that got a chance to know him.  Anyways, it was a great reminder that he will be watching over his brothers!!

 

They will schedule our c-section for the week of Jan 19th - I'll be 37 weeks which is considered for full term for twins.  The goal is to get to 35 weeks!