This is what my seven year old daughter told me the other day.  She misses Connor and says sometimes I need a big brother.  Ugh.  I felt as though someone punched me in the stomach.  I am reminded what we have all lost.  Yes, she deserves a big brother - someone to watch over her and play with her, someone to tease her and make her crazy, someone to make her the little sister.  And sometimes I need my son.  My nine year old boy with his big brown eyes and ... I don't even know what because I don't know what he'd be like or what he'd look like.  14 hours.  That's all I had with him and most of that I wasn't with him.  I remember seeing him in that bassinett - all laid out and not swaddled like a newborn.  I remember wanting to shrink myself down and crawl into that little tiny bed and hold him, touch him...be with him. 

 

Nine years ago today my water broke.  I had no idea what was about to happen.  I thought I was finally going to meet my baby and become a mother.  I knew life would change but never, never expected for my son to die.  Not for one moment, not when the doctors and nurses warned me, not when my husband broke down and cried, never did I think Connor would not make it until the doctor looked at me and said, "He's gone". 

A friend asked me today how I was doing - I felt fine until she asked that question and realized I was not fine.  My son is gone and I will miss him forever and it hurts and it's not fair and I wonder why me? It sucks and nine years later it still sucks. 

 

I know how lucky I am to have four healthy children.  And now two boys to love and to play with it, to be a chance to be a mom to a boy.  But this hole in my heart where Connor should be can never be filled up.  It will always be there and some days, like today, it feels so big and empty and I ache for my boy.

 

This is usually where I turn it around and think about all of the good, the lessons learned, blah, blah, blah ...not today, today I just miss him...for me, for Matt and for his little sister who needs a big brother sometimes.

Who knew that way back in Kindergarten when we received a flyer about girl scouts and I asked Emma if she was interested we would end up here?!! The response from the girl scouts has been INCREDIBLE. We don't have a final number yet and hopefully this darn flu won't ruin everything but we are looking at close to 3,000 books.  Yep, 3,000 BOOKS !!!!   The response has been so wonderful.  The girls have been so excited and some are doing their very own book drives at their schools.  Outstanding!!  We had our own book drive with our troop and there I was with the girl scouts holding up signs that read Connor's Books as they chanted Connor's Books, Connor's Books.  How could I have ever imagined that? 

 

It's so very amazing that my little boy, who lived such a short amount of time is making a difference.  He is inspiring others to do great things and is bringing such joy to so many children.  As always, I just don't have the words to describe what this means to me.  As Connor's mother I was so fearful that since he lived only 14 hours that he would be forgotten, that the world would simply go on without him.  But now, because of so many wonderful people, I know that will not happen.  I know that his star really will forever shine brightly.

 

From the day we started Connor's Books, my dream has been that we would be able to become a non-profit organization.  Each year, I think about asking for money instead of books but I just can't.  I hate the idea of not having books to deliver to Scottish Rite Hospital on his birthday.  But...this year... because of the wonderfulness of the Girl Scouts we have so many books to deliver....I'd like to ask for your help. Next year will be Connor's Tenth Birthday and becoming a non-profit would be a perfect way to celebrate!  There is so much more we want to do.

 

Please consider donating money to Connor's Books to help us become a non-profit organization.  You can do this on the website through PayPal or by mailing us a check (payable to Connor's Books).  Email me at connorsbooks@hotmail.com for the address.  You can even donate in memory or in honor of a loved one - just click on Donation Stars at www.connorsbooks.org to do this.