What a funny jokster you are!  Yes, we found out today what you have known all along....mommy is having twins!!  Identical twin boys!!  Yes, that is hilarious!!  You must have thought that so funny when I wrote the other day that mommy needed just one more. 
Yes, people.  Twins.  Identical.  Boys.  No matter how many times I say it/type it... it doesn't become any more real.  Right after the gasp of shock I let out at the sonogram, I said but my best friend has twins.  Yes, my best friend has Identical twin boys...seriously, what are the chances??!!  Not possible. 
We are of course thrilled, shocked, scared, excited....shocked.  We are going to go from a family of four to a family of six.  Matt and I sat on the couch last night and I looked at him and said we are going to have four kids.  He just laughed out loud! 
So, there you go.  Please say a prayer for our little boys.  Now we have two babies to worry about.  And it makes me miss my dad even more.  He LOVED babies.  Loved holding them and snuggling them and feeding them bottles.  Oh how he would have loved these boys.  And oh how we could have used the extra set of hands! 

Well, Connor has another sibling on the way to watch over.  We are expecting another baby in February.  I am beyond happy, excited and terrified.  I am so very blessed with two healthy girls.  I feel as though I am pushing the envelope a bit.  But then I think why not me?  Why can't I have the big family I have always dreamed about?  Today, I saw a mom with six, yes, SIX kids and I thought...if she can have six strong healthy kids, can't I have just one more? please...
The girls are thrilled.  Well, Kate is thrilled....so excited about finally getting to be a big sister.  She talks to my tummy and rubs her baby.  Emma, well she has some concerns about being a big sister to two because as she says, being a big sister can be difficult.  I think oh please, please let them have this baby.  Please don't take this away from them.  Please don't make them grieve another sibling. 
Okay, I know I sound more of a basket case than I am.  I really spend most of my time being excited and a little nervous about doing all of this again.  There are just these moments when I think of all of the things that can go wrong.  I try not to stay there for long. 
On Monday, we have our nuchal scan sonogram and I guess I'm feeling a bit nervous.  But so excited to see my little one on the screen.  As usual, we got off to a rough start and we had a sonogram around six weeks.  Seeing that tiny heartbeat on the screen took my breath away.  That never gets old.  What a miracle.  There is a little life growing inside me.  Amazing. 
So, Connor, please watch over this little one.  I know your sisters keep you busy, especially you know who but take care of this little one.  Mommy needs just one more. 

Baby Seth lost his battle with CDH this week.  Please keep his parents, April and Russell in your prayers.  My heart breaks for them as I think of the journey that lies ahead.   It is so hard to remember those early days of blinding grief.  I remember once sitting on the couch, sobbing and Matt holding me and I literally did not think I could take my next breath.  It just seemed too hard, too pointless.   I looked around my all too quiet, too clean house and felt so empty.  My arms ached for the baby that never came home.
As I read about yet another family who is forced to go through this experience, I think when will it end?  Who knows or if it ever will.  Lately, I find myself reading more and more amazing stories of CDH babies not only surviving but thriving I am filled with hope and then for a moment I forget.... until I read of another baby dying and it all comes back.  This is a horrific, devastating birth defect that leaves no one unscathed. 
So please take a moment to say a prayer for all CDH families to find the strength to take that next breath. 

Today is Audrey's 2nd birthday.  You can read all about her on her mom's blog.  And she was recently written about in a local magazine. Click on "Praying for Normal". 
Audrey was born with CDH - the same horrible defect that took our Connor.  I met her mom through my best friend.  I remembered she wanted to meet me right after she was diagnosed during her pregnancy to find out more about CDH.  I was so nervous about meeting her.  I was, after all, her worst case scenario.  In my experience, CDH babies died.  As I sat across the table from Jenn, I really had very little to tell her about this birth defect.
We were diagnosed at 34 weeks.  My water broke on May 12, I heard about CDH for the first time on May 13, Connor was born May 15 and died May 16.  And from that moment on, I was just trying to survive the death of my son.  I knew CDH took my son.  I knew they didn't really know why it happened.  I was just trying to find the strength to take my next breath. 
Then several years later, I nervously joined an online support group of non-survivor and survivor moms.  I didn't know if I could do it.  These women had their children, I didn't.  Could I handle it?  It was there that I finally learned, really learned about how horrible CDH is.  No one just walks out the hospital fixed.  As I read about these moms with CDH kids, I realized they had their own journey of grief.  Grief of not having a perfectly normal healthy child.  Grief of seeing your child endure a seemingly never ending list of medical procedures.  The grief of never really knowing what the outcome will be.
 It was a light bulb moment for me when one of the survivor moms talked about how hard her son's birthday was.  How could that be?, I thought.  Your son is living, he gets birthday parties and birthday cakes.  But each year on her son's birthday, she relived his birth.  Just as I did.  The hospital stay, the NICU, doctors telling you that your child will die.  Just because your child comes home from hospital doesn't mean that you forget.  It doesn't make those memories any less painful.
So when I met Audrey's mom - five years after we lost Connor - I was in a different place.  I'm not sure if I met Jenn in my early days if I would have had the strength to get to know them.  But I'm so glad I am now. 
When I look at Audrey, I see this amazing little girl so full of life, determination and strength.  And just recently when I read the magazine article of her birth, I was reminded what this family went through.  It is an amazingly unbelievable journey. 
And I believe in some weird way, we were supposed to meet - our babies were both born in May, both with this rare birth defect, both wonderfully shining little stars.  And it is through her, I'm finally learning about CDH and it what it might have been to live with this disease. 
Although when I look at Audrey, I just see her.  This beautiful little girl with an infectious laugh who has truly defied the odds and I can't wait to see what she does next.
So, Happy Birthday, Superstar Audrey!!!

So, I have been tagged by Jenn The rules:
A. Link to the tagger and post these rules on your blog.
B. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some weird, some random.
C. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs. Lastly, let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
So, here goes: 
1.  I secretly would love to be a lead singer in a rock band.  And through the greatness of Rockband (thanks to the  Miller Fam for inspiration, my husband is eternally grateful) I get a chance.  Although most of time I have to just be the guitar player because my six year old always wants to sing - but every so often I get my chance, baby!

2.  I love to travel.  I backpacked across Europe for two months after college and I've been to Scotland/England (honeymoon) and Italy with my husband.  Can't wait to take the girls. 

3.  I have to steal this one from Jenn - but I totally do the same thing - say things I shouldn't when the kids are in the other room.  I NEVER, EVER say it to their adorable little faces but there's just something about it that helps me get through the day!  Another call to CPS, go ahead. 

4.  No murder trial but I did have to sue my wedding photographer in small claims court to get our pictures. 

5.  I hate being late but I always am.

6.  I watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart every day - love it!

7.  I'm really 5'2" but I always put 5'3" on my driver's license.  5'3" just sounds better plus if the law is ever after me, they will be looking for someone taller!

Okay, there!  I have no one else to tag since you tagged all the bloggers I know! 

So, I read somewhere that losing a child is losing your future and losing a parent is losing your past.  My father lost his battle to kidney cancer in June 2007.  I lost Connor in 2000.  I'm 37 years old and have lost my past and my future.  Which in a weird karma kinda way is a perfect life lesson for me.  I have always had trouble staying in the present.  I lament over the past and worry about the future.  Today sucks but tomorrow will be so much better.  I'll be a better mom, better wife, better friend, better dieter....but tomorrow always seems to end up pretty much like today. 
Losing Connor was, of course, devastating.  I still wonder how can it hurt this much to lose someone I didn't really know. When we lost my dad, I thought okay, I've been down this grief road before I can do this.  It is horrible and awful but I can do it. 
It's been 9 months and I still can't seem to make it fit.  It's like trying to put on a jacket that just doesn't feel quite right.  I think about my dad and still catch my breath.  How can he really be GONE?  How can he really not EXIST?  It's not right, I keep thinking I will wake up from this dream, it just a bad dream but I can't.  He was here and now he's gone.  And he was a really, really great person.  A great dad.  Not perfect but I do not know where I'd be or who I'd be if he hadn't been my dad. 
You see, he wasn't really my dad.  He was my stepdad.  He came into our lives when I was 9.  I didn't accept him for a long, long time.  Like most kids, I wanted my parents back together.  I wanted my real dad to want me.   So many years I waited, I wasted for my "real" dad to be a part of my life.  And there was Ron, taking care of me, my family, providing for us, being a dad.  He was the kind of man that would do anything for anyone.  Really.  I know people say that about other people all of the time but he really was like that.  Do anything for anyone without hesitation.  He was kind to everyone....our waiter who was waiting tables for the first night.  He was in so much pain from chemo, etc but I always remember he took the time to tell him what a great job he was doing.  People would walk into to our house for a visit and ask him how he was doing...."Can't complain" was always his answer.  Can't complain??!!  The man was in so much pain I cannot even begin to imagine...he was DYING...but he didn't want to put anyone out, always wanted to make the other person feel at ease. 
With Connor, missing him is like missing a dream, what could have been...a perfect little boy with brown hair and brown eyes.  But I don't really know him, my son.  Would he have been a good sleeper?  thumb sucker? good at sports? quiet or crazy?  What would it have been like to be a mom to a boy?
But my father, I knew.  I can close my eyes and picture him, hear his laugh.  I hear his voice in my head all of the time.  I can almost see him standing in front of me, sitting in my car....like he did so many times.  But now he's gone and he will never laugh or sit in my car or hug me or my girls.  How do I get used to that?  How do I get used to hearing my girls miss their Pop?  How do I get used to him not being a part of their lives?  How do I get used to the fact they are getting cheated out of him loving them in a way only a grandpa can?  How do I live in the present when the present sucks? 
Whew....what a nice little pity party I have thrown myself.  Now, my dad...he'd want me to pick myself up and move on.  He'd hate that his death would have been so hard....would have troubled us...the man didn't want to trouble anyone.  He'd want me to work hard and play hard and enjoy life, love my girls, spend time with my brothers, take care of my mom, appreciate my husband and keep my floors clean. 
And Connor....well, it'd be just a guess but I'm pretty sure he'd want me to be happy...because we all know that when mama ain't happy, nobody's happy...