This is what my seven year old daughter told me the other day.  She misses Connor and says sometimes I need a big brother.  Ugh.  I felt as though someone punched me in the stomach.  I am reminded what we have all lost.  Yes, she deserves a big brother - someone to watch over her and play with her, someone to tease her and make her crazy, someone to make her the little sister.  And sometimes I need my son.  My nine year old boy with his big brown eyes and ... I don't even know what because I don't know what he'd be like or what he'd look like.  14 hours.  That's all I had with him and most of that I wasn't with him.  I remember seeing him in that bassinett - all laid out and not swaddled like a newborn.  I remember wanting to shrink myself down and crawl into that little tiny bed and hold him, touch him...be with him. 

 

Nine years ago today my water broke.  I had no idea what was about to happen.  I thought I was finally going to meet my baby and become a mother.  I knew life would change but never, never expected for my son to die.  Not for one moment, not when the doctors and nurses warned me, not when my husband broke down and cried, never did I think Connor would not make it until the doctor looked at me and said, "He's gone". 

A friend asked me today how I was doing - I felt fine until she asked that question and realized I was not fine.  My son is gone and I will miss him forever and it hurts and it's not fair and I wonder why me? It sucks and nine years later it still sucks. 

 

I know how lucky I am to have four healthy children.  And now two boys to love and to play with it, to be a chance to be a mom to a boy.  But this hole in my heart where Connor should be can never be filled up.  It will always be there and some days, like today, it feels so big and empty and I ache for my boy.

 

This is usually where I turn it around and think about all of the good, the lessons learned, blah, blah, blah ...not today, today I just miss him...for me, for Matt and for his little sister who needs a big brother sometimes.